


take me higher

by hxt_pxckets



Series: based off perceptions of reality and an all too romantic heart. [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Changbin tries his best, Fluff and Angst, M/M, You might get frustrated, it's based off people i actually know, like trust, mucho confusion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-29 19:47:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15080417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hxt_pxckets/pseuds/hxt_pxckets
Summary: in which changbin really has no emotions (or doesn't particularly understand them) and then develops feelings for the last person he would ever expect.





	take me higher

**Author's Note:**

> hello y'all. this is my first story that i've decided to publish. it's going to be five parts for specific couples that will not be specified until their actual stories start (hehehe)
> 
> this took me waaaaaaay too long to write.
> 
> anyways, i really want that feedback so comment what you think.

**unexpected encounters**  
Everyone thinks Seo Changbin has no emotions. The statement isn’t completely wrong. Most of those generalizations were based on the fact that he had a resting bitch face that never seemed to change with anything. He thinks that the only time he felt anything is with music. He would never have found that passion if it hadn’t been for his long time best friend, Bang Chan. One day, during their freshman year of high school, the two of them were relaxing in Chan’s bedroom. He had his head resting on Chan’s lap while the elder had his resting against the bed’s headboard.

“You know, you have a great voice for rapping,” Chan had begun out of nowhere. Changbin tore his eyes away from his phone to look up at the elder. “It has a naturally gritty and appealing tone. I’ve heard you speak when you’re nervous, too. It’s phenomenal how clear you can be while rambling so quickly.”

“I’ll try if you want me to,” Changbin simply replied.

Chan’s face lit up in excitement. He grabbed Changbin’s wrist and dragged him into the little studio connected to his room. He handed him some lyrics and showed him the sample that he had recorded by himself. Changbin’s foot moved up and down as he got the hang of the rhythm. After reading the lyrics a couple of times, he tried to go for it. However, he was off by half a beat, ruining whatever flow there was. He did that a few more times before the first line fell in pace with the background track. He let himself express the emotions that were written on the page, feelings of pain and confusion during school and the difficulties he faced while going through those miserable feelings.

When he finally got through the whole song, he looked up at Chan. The other boy was staring at him, shocked and he gestured for Changbin to come out of the booth.

As soon as he plopped himself next to Chan, the elder began to ramble, “I mean. You were phenomenal. You have a couple of weak points since you’ve never rapped before, but it’s fine. It’s actually not even that big of an issue.”

Idle time with each other turned into sessions of rapping and practicing. The time treated him well and soon a style of his own appeared: eclectic, heavy, and essentially dark. The two of them joined forces with Han Jisung, Chan’s neighbor to form a trio, 3racha. They were such a success at some underground competitions that what they had initially intended to be a temporary project became permanent.

As time went on, Chan continued to bring people together. During their sophomore year, it was he who found Kim Woojin busking on the streets with his guitar. His voice was special with its unique color. He recognized the older student as being a junior at their high school and invited him into the group. A few months later Kim Seungmin and Yang Jeongin came into their studio looking for their lead singer to help them with something. Woojin had pulled them over to the studio and worked with them on their vocals. Changbin recalls the dumbstruck expression on Chan’s face before he tried to convince Woojin to let him “borrow” the two vocal kids for a performance. The two of them went through a similar fate as Woojin, not returning to the school choir.

Soon enough, Hwang Hyunjin came around to see what was taking his best friend away from choir practice. Deeming the group acceptable, he offered his dance moves as well as his rapping. The movements he was choreographing complimented their music and fit well into their performances. Then one of the captains of the Dance Team, Lee Minho who had heard that his kid was cutting practices, showed up to see if what Hyunjin was participating in was worth his time or not. If he recalls correctly, the seven of them weren’t doing anything special at the time, just preparing for a busking event (nowadays, they traded time slots with Woojin). Hyunjin was teaching the singers and Jisung the choreography to the track Chan had finished mixing the week before. Changbin watched Chan silently watch the newcomer as he pretended to be working on his laptop. Eventually, about a month later Minho had left all responsibility to Yugyeom and joined them. Changbin had been confused before he realized that Minho had been pining over Jisung for the longest time.

Finally, there was Felix Lee. He clearly remembers when Felix walked into their studio for the first time. With his bright smile and brighter hair, Changbin finds himself wondering how he had never seen the boy before that day. Chan introduced him as one of his children by Australian association and also as a sophomore at their school. Chan had taken it upon himself to appoint Changbin to teach the younger how to rap, while the rest of them would help him with his pronunciation whenever they could.

Now, it’s been almost six months since Stray Kids has had its set nine members, and everything is doing pretty well. They are all essentially a family. Since it is summer, they spend almost all of their time at the studio and Changbin watches some of his members dance from the corner of the practice room. He’s proud of how synchronised they are and the fact that they finally got that one flip down. When Felix dances, Changbin finds himself completely entranced by his clean movements and gestures. They were currently working on something that he could only describe as domineering and a good type of edgy. The movements were definite, consisting of stomping and quick snaps of limbs. As part of the troop, he is supposed to be practicing, but he practices for another performance he was planning to do at one of the underground rap clubs in the city.

In the moments that occur, two things cross his mind. First, he wonders why Felix has draped himself over him. Sure, the boy is naturally touchy, but there is an unspoken rule that no one can do skinship with Changbin, except for Chan. Felix stays true to his nationality and is a literal koala who has clinged to everyone, but Changbin, in what everyone thought was an implied acknowledgement of the rule.

Apparently, he didn’t get the message.

In the mirror, Changbin can see that Felix’s hair is plastered to his forehead and that his face is damp. Beads of sweat are sliding off of strands of his hair and onto his shirt. He should be slightly irritated that his shirt is slowly being ruined by the droplets, but he really isn’t. That’s because of his second thought: he smells great. Whatever cologne or deodorant he wears is doing wonders to an extent that he did not know was even possible.

“Hi,” Felix greets in a breathy tone. He smiles at Changbin. It’s a bright expression that makes the other boy’s stomach starts to feel funny.

Out of reflex from what he does with Chan, he lightly holds onto the younger boy’s arms and simply replies, “Hey.”

Felix sits down behind him, moving his arms to surround his waist. Changbin flinches and instantly tenses up. As much as he hates skinship, some voice in his head tells him not to make any sudden movements so that he doesn’t scare the younger away. He tries to relax.

‘’The progress we’ve made makes it seem like we’ll be ready to perform soon,” Changbin comments as he tries to concentrate on his lyrics. He feels Felix hum in agreement. The sound of both of their voices disappear as the music starts up again. Neither of them move to get up. Everyone except for them and Chan are practicing the routine. Instead of writing as he should be, Changbin stares at all the members dance. He feels a bit more pride appear when Jeongjin completes the sequence perfectly.

After some indistinguishable amount of time, Changbin watches everyone leave the studio in the mirror while Felix pushes random patterns into his stomach. Eventually, Chan walks out of the corner studio where he was probably mixing a new track or falling asleep or both. He looks over at the two of them, a perplexed look on his face. While Felix smiles, Changbin shrugs. He finally gets onto his feet. The younger pulls his arm out towards him, as if telling him to help him up and Changbin does so in one swift pull. Chan turns off the lights and the three of them walk out together. When they get to the bus stop, Felix waves a goodbye before he and Chan continue on their way.

“So, Felix,” Chan says once the boy in question is out of earshot. Changbin raises his eyebrows.

“What about him?”

“You typically don’t let people touch you. Why him?”

He shrugs. The silence hangs between them for a while. In somewhat of a means to break the unconventional tension, Changbin feels Chan intertwine their hands. The elder gives him a small smile which is immediately returned.

Do not misunderstand; they aren’t dating. Changbin knows it’s weird, especially with the conservative atmosphere of Korea. A few dirty looks here and there don’t sway him to stop what he wants to do or from liking who he likes. While he was in high school, no one particularly cared that he wasn’t straight. Sure, there were slurs tossed around here and there, but that didn’t really matter when he had Chan by his side: the Renaissance Man of their school, and to this day, in their group.

At some point, they had liked each other during their junior year of high school. After a quiet confession from Chan, they just decided to date. For Changbin, nothing particularly changed except for the fact that they were doing things that were more intimate than what just friends would do. Over the span of their relationship, they exchanged a lot of their firsts, but it never really changed how he perceived Chan. When they broke up a few months later, it wasn’t a total loss. They normalized quite quickly, incorporating some things from their dating life such as a lot of skinship, which is why if a stranger saw them on the streets, there would be no doubt in that person’s mind that they were dating.

His inability to make any clear romantic relationships with anyone but Chan had convinced Jisung that he was demiromantic, which apparently meant that he was not able to have feelings for someone unless there was a deep enough pre-existing bond with that person. It did make sense, but any real thought of sexuality or identity tended to confuse Changbin since he does not think that identity is something that can be truly defined. Who a person loves is simply one layer of his or her identity, but since it is just one part of that identity, there is no real use in trying to identify it. He had this conversation with Chan once. The other blinked at him in confusion, told him to stop with all the philosophy and returned to whatever trash movie they were watching at the time.

The two of them walk into their apartment building in comfortable silence. When they get in the elevator, Chan pulls him into a random back hug. Changbin simply leans back into it out of habit. As soon as they reach their floor, Chan releases him and runs to the door of the apartment. Changbin slowly walks behind him and reaches the door as soon as Chan opens it. Surprisingly, Jisung doesn’t greet them with his presence in the living room. The television is still on with reruns of Spongebob playing. On the couch, there is a toppled bowl of popcorn and on the coffee table, two abandoned cans of beer. Soon enough, there are moans echoing across the walls.

“Dude, come on! It isn’t even past five!” Changbin yells. Almost as a response, the moans get louder.  
Obviously irritated with the fact that Jisung is doing the do in their apartment, Chan drags him to his room. There, the sounds are near to gone. Once the door is closed, Changbin collapses on top of Chan’s bed. He pulls the stuffed Munchlax to his chest. He forgot he had left it the night before.

He watches as Chan pulls his equipment and laptop out of his bag and sets it back up on his desk. He changes out of his clothes to go take a shower. He hears the door close as he absentmindedly stares at the ceiling, contemplating whether or not he should tell his parents that he has actually double majored in both biology and music composition, the latter of which he was accepted in for free. He has a feeling that they won’t completely approve, with him being the golden child of the family and would probably seem like a disappointment if he was to put his scientific talent to waste. Fearing the possible forced separation from what he loves, he opts out of the idea.

He turns around when he hears the door open. Chan has a towel in his hair as he towel dries it. His shirt is over his shoulder, revealing his fit physique. He has heard Jisung joke about it, always saying that he could get whatever boy he wanted with that body. Changbin tended to not care about these things.

“They’re loud. Holy shit,” Chan comments. He walks over to the blow dryer and quickly blows his hair dry as he cards his fingers through it. When he finishes, he pulls on the shirt and climbs into bed with Changbin, immediately wrapping an arm around the smaller boy. He shifts his body towards Chan.

“You better be sleeping,” Changbin mutters. He flips around so that he is facing Chan. His eyes are closed, but as a result of the years he’s spent with Chan, he can tell he’s faking it. He brushes his fingers through Chan’s hair, feeling the damage it’s been through with all the different colors it has been.

“You too,” comes a quiet reply.

“I got a good night’s sleep last night. You did not.”

“Shut up.”

Their shared warmth does start to make Changbin a bit drowsy. He makes sure not to fall asleep before he can hear Chan’s breath deepen as he actually sleeps.

* * *

**conceded propositions**  
Their break is over almost too soon. Jisung accepted the fact that after the whole almost being evicted fiasco that he’ll just go over to his partner’s house to do what he wants. He and Chan never got the chance to see who he was with because the other culprit had climbed out of the fire escape.

He does have a whole song done. However, it did not fit a rap at all. He handed his rough draft off to the vocalists who read over it and threw him two thumbs up. A few lyrics were tweaked here and there before the final product, When You Love Someone was finished. Days after they release it on the Stray Kids Soundcloud account, it becomes a hit.

Besides that, nothing much had happened. There was the obligatory visit back home to his family as well as just chilling in his room when he didn’t feel like practicing. That same time was also used to contemplate his feelings for Felix. He thinks he may like him. Which is completely weird for Changbin since he hasn’t liked anyone since Chan. Perhaps he has a thing for Australian people. He does think the accent is very attractive. He finds Felix to be relatively handsome with his smiling eyes, freckled nose and bright expression. He’s the complete opposite of his dark personality. Felix is a human puppy; it’s the only way he could describe it. He seems to have endless amounts of energy and loves people. And also because he’s cute. But that’s besides the point.

Changbin is relatively content in just being in the presence of the younger and finds himself wanting nothing more besides his companionship. He pushes the theory of a crush away. But when he learned that Felix has a girlfriend, a sharp pang appeared in his chest. Apparently during his return to Australia, he had met a nice girl that balanced him very well. The dance camp forced them into proximity at some points and emotions eventually developed.

It’s a cute story, but the pain isn’t great.

At school, he acts as if nothing is different and Felix’s oblivious nature catches nothing wrong. Changbin would spend extra time lying in bed, watching rays of sun through the blinds grace his fingertips. The golden color of the late afternoon sky always reminded him of Felix’s hair. Jisung has to be wrong about his weird gender identity thing; he barely knows Felix but can’t help but feel so smitten for him.  
On the first day of school, Felix texts him and forces him to pick him up at the bus station so that they can walk to the science building together. They have the same biology class and Felix doesn’t want to end up sitting next to a total stranger in the lecture hall. He argues that unless he has two friends, he’d inevitably be next to a stranger, which earns him a string of texts that tell him to stop talking.

Changbin, bleary eyed and slightly grumpy, pulls on a hoodie and joggers, and sticks a cap on his head to hide the birds’ nest that is his hair. Deeming himself presentable, he heads out. With his earbuds in his ears, he listens to the samples Chan had sent him the night before. He was giving him first choice of what he wanted. From the four samples, he has chosen one that he likes, but tells Chan to let the younger ones choose whatever they prefer; he likes a challenge sometimes.

When he arrives at the bus station about five minutes later, Felix is waiting for him on the bench. He holds two drinks in his hands. Changbin says nothing as he stands next to him. Felix quickly turns around to face him. That smiles appears again. He’s too weak for his own good.

Their hands touch briefly as Felix hands him his drink. The contact throws him in a fuzz of warmth he doesn’t think he’s ever felt before. Changbin opens the drink to see what it is and is greeted by the aroma of coffee. He takes off the cap and is presented with his constant in life, black coffee. He shoots him a questioning look, asking how he could possibly know his order.

“I have eyes,” he reasons, “You practically drown in it.”

He then takes a sip of it. “It’s the right roast, too,” Changbin says out of bewilderment.

Felix dramatically clutches his chest and bends down in relief. “Thank God. There were four and I just chose a medium roast.”

Changbin can’t help but laugh. Soon enough, the two of them are on their way. The cup of hot liquid gives him the warmth he always desires. For some reason, his hands are always cold. He hates it. He just hates being cold in general, but he just happens to be gifted with the ability of having ice cubes for hands. It was horrible.

Inside the building, the cool air of autumn is gone and replaced with the warmth of the heater. A grin appears on Changbin’s face. They continue to their hall. They find a good place near the front to properly listen to the lectures. Science happens to be the one subject that he was interested in, especially biology. In high school, he found himself cruising through the class and instead opted for studying up on more information on the subject. As the lecturer starts to speak, he hopes that the pre-reading will help him.  
Weeks elapsed and he finds out that it in fact does. He knows almost everything that the man has said. It’s such a blessing. Felix, on the other hand, is struggling. Due to the fact he doesn’t have a full grasp on the Korean language, it seems like Felix has no idea what is being discussed. Changbin stays with him after the lecture in order to make sure he has a sufficient grasp on what was talked about during class.  
On the other hand, it’s vice versa in their shared English class. Changbin was very bad at English. He was in fact so proficient that he always had to ask Chan for suggestions of english words that could replace the concepts that he was trying to integrate into his songs.

“You’re stupid for thinking I can actually absorb this information,” Changbin tells Felix. He sits at the back of the class next to Felix. He never really pays attention and opts for writing lyrics in his notebook. It’s a month since the semester has started and the professor is droning on about the difference between a phrase and a clause, and honestly, Changbin couldn't care less.

Felix raises his eyebrows. “Why?”

“I just don’t do languages.”

“You do music. That’s practically a language,” he refutes.

“There are no words or grammar rules or stupid tenses to deal with.”

“The notes are your words, and the rhythms you make are pretty much the basic structures of the songs.”

“You’re trying and it isn’t working. You have a perfect grade in the class and are fluent in the language.”

He hears Felix sigh next to him. “I can tutor you.”

“Do you think I really need tutoring?”

“I haven’t seen you take notes or study since the beginning of the year.”

“That isn’t a reflection of my grade.”

“Sure it isn’t, Binnie.” Changbin’s heart flutters a bit at the nickname.

Suddenly, before he can consider it, he puts his pen down, closes his book, and turns over, “Do you really want to tutor me?” Felix’s blonde hair flops up and down as he nods furiously. “Are you sure? I can be pretty stubborn. And a dud.”

The younger gets up and lightly slaps his face. “You’re stupid. Of course I know that. I’m positive. Without any help, i’m convinced that you won’t get your degree.”

Changbin returns the slap with a flick to Felix’s forehead. “Respect your elders, you brat.”

Later that same day, Changbin is at the studio with Chan. His stares don’t go unnoticed by his best friend. He’s nudged by the elder who gestures for him to concentrate on their project.

“I heard that Felix is going to tutor you in English. You must really like this boy if you’re letting him help you. You never let me do anything of the sort while we dated.”

“Hey. I ask you for English help,” he refutes.

“Yeah, yeah, but that doesn’t really qualify as full length tutoring.”

Changbin just waves him off.

Later, Chan tells him that the lineup has been decided. As always, there is going to be a group performance with all of them, and then they will split up into their respective groups. By tradition, 3racha performs. Then everything else tends to be up in the air. This year, the dancers and vocals are doing their own individual performances. Seungmin and Hyunjin are collaborating. Changbin and Felix were doing solo acts. Woojin, Jisung, and Chan are planning on doing something as well. Jeongjin claimed that he didn’t want to do anything because of studies, but in reality everyone knew he felt incompetent. It saddened everyone, yet no one wanted to force him into it, either since he would be with them in the group performance, and if that was what he wanted to do, it was fine with the rest of them.

He asks Chan what track is left for him to choose. The other just shoots him a mischievous look.  
“I knew you would be all humble and tell me to ask the others first,” Chan says, “well joke’s on you. I made a beat specifically for you.”

Of course he did. When Chan plays it, Changbin just knows it’s his. He’s going to be the father of this song. As a product of his care and nurturing, his physical influences and decisions, the song he makes will be a mirror image of himself. A surge of happiness appears within him and he tackles his friend into a hug, causing them to fall on the floor. He plants a kiss on his cheek.

“Holy shit, you are a gift to humanity, Bang Chan. You are such a beautiful human.”

The booth becomes filled with giggles. The two of them stay there and work on their songs. At some point, Jisung opens the door.

“What the hell was that commotion?”

“Bin was happy,” Chan says.

“Well, no shit.” Jisung has an expression that tells them that he is completely done with them and closes the door. The two of them get to work on their songs. The concepts Changbin has written about are very fitting for the beat that he has in front of him. While he tries to develop them further, conversation with Chan allows him to find out that he plans on covering a girl group song and recreating its beat. Being the musical genius he is, Changbin has no doubt that it’ll be a success.

They lounge on the couch and work on their respective projects. Chan, being the immensely clingy person he is, he drapes himself over Changbin’s lap and begins to casually play with his soundboard. Changbin just listens to the strong and powerful beat that he was crafting and lightly hits those patterns onto Chan’s back. In the meantime, the gears in his head are turning. He has no idea what to write about. Usually he can pick from the pit of nothingness that he feels and discuss the absurdism of the school system and society. However, he wants to depict himself with some type of reversal and show that he is something beyond that hard image he has.

Something like Felix. He then shakes his head, trying to get his mind to stop.

Chan looks up at him, concerned.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

Changbin nods his head.

“Stop lying. Is it Felix?” after a moment of silence, he continues. “You know that it’s okay, right? There’s no reason for it to not be okay.” The older boy sits up from his place and guides Changbin to his shoulder.

“Except for the fact he is in a happy relationship and I feel like I could infringe on that happiness with my emotions.”

“If he doesn’t know, then you should be find. You can like anyone. It’s fine to like him.”

Changbin just fiddles with the older boy’s fingers as he stares out the window at the boy they were talking about. In the reflection of the mirror, Changbin could see the blonde boy sprawled out on the floor. It seems like Minho was trying to tell him something, but he was too busy dying of exhaustion to listen. He waves and Felix waves back.

He turns to look at Chan. “Some part of me just tells me it isn’t, you know? If he figures this out, I feel like it’ll get awkward between us, and I really don’t want that.”

Chan shrugs. Changbin takes it as an opportunity to ask him about how he is doing with Woojin.

Another shrug. “I haven’t particularly gotten the chance to do anything.”

“Since you’re using all of your time to meddle with my love life?”

Chan pounces on him almost as a defense. The laughs reappear as Chan straddles him and tortures him with his hands. Suddenly the door opens. It’s Jisung. Again. He looks at the two of them and then back to Jeongin next to him and then back at the youngest. He moves his hands to shield Jeongin's eyes and leads him out. Before he closes the door behind him he turns around and sticks up two thumbs up and mouths “good job” and walks off.

Chan sighs in what seems like mock disappointment before getting off of Changbin. The latter gets up and collects his things. It’s late and he needs to coerce Chan to leave with him.

“You know what is pretty great for all of this work you’re doing? Stopping.”

“I haven’t done anything today. I literally just showed you what your track is.”

“I saw you working when I came in,” the words of an excuse begin to form in Chan’s mouth, “Don’t start with me. I saw you. And I can understand what you’ve done. You have already finished the whole chorus. And knowing you, that took you probably a good amount of time since you scratch things out so quickly and redo them when there is the slightest imperfection. You and I are going home.”

They stare at each other for a while, seeing who would back down first. The fact that they were both very head strong people was one of the reasons their relationship hadn’t worked out.

“You know that I’ll be completely okay. I can go a bit longer without resting.” Chan tries to reason. Changbin laughs.

“Don’t think I’ll be off your trail just because you haven’t slept for the past 24 hours and you can stay awake for over 70. It doesn’t leave me any less worried about you. Please come home with me.”

“Stop worrying, Binnie,” Chris simply says, the corners of his mouth rising into somewhat of a sad smile.  
“I need to do some studying so that I’m not totally screwed for midterms anyways.”

Chan is too well rounded. Everyone sees him as the perfect man, except everyone isn’t able to see how much he pulls himself thin like Changbin does. Whereas Changbin can be called naturally intelligent in the subjects he does, Chan works his ass off for every A he has gotten in his classes. Changbin can’t help but feel sad whenever he wakes up in the morning to find Chan sitting at the kitchen counter with a coffee next to his pile of scattered papers because he’s doing some project in his music theory class or a lab in chemistry, or something that Changbin sees as completely unnecessary. Seeing the look of relaxation on his face as he practically hibernates during the week of finals is not a worthy goal to

Changbin if his best friend is always suffering from lack of sleep and has can never erase those bags engraved under his eyes.

He just wants Chan to be happy and relaxed all the time.

One time, Changbin suggested that Chan share some responsibilities by delegating them to him and Jisung. He had waved the proposal off, saying that he had no desire to burden them with his duties as leader. It wasn’t a burden if Changbin was spending his time staring at walls blankly to begin with and if he wanted to help.

“You’re so unbelievable, Chan. If you aren’t home and asleep by at least 10, I’m sending random pictures of your fetus years to the group chat.”

A surprised look appears on Chan’s face. “How did you get these pictures?”

Changbin smirks and proceeds to walk out of the room, not before saying, “Your mom does think I was the best thing that ever happened to you!” Once the door is closed, and he is out of earshot, he sees Woojin. He steps in front of the dancing man.

“Go keep Chan company in the studio. He’ll probably want someone to sing for him on his tracks.”

Woojin blinks at him in confusion and says nothing. Changbin nods before leaving.

The evening sunset is beautiful with the its shades of blue, purple, orange, and pink. He decides to step into the convenience store next to the studio to buy something to eat. He browses the shelves before settling on a cheese stick, a bag of chips, and a bottle of milk. It also reminds him that he should go grocery shopping sometime for the rest of the apartment. After making his purchases, he leaves the store, not before he is stopped by the one and only, Felix.

“Hi Changbin!” the boy yells loudly from across the street.

“Hey,” he cooly replies. Felix proceeds to move as if he’s going to jaywalk, but an outward palm from Changbin stops him. He waits for the road to clear before he runs towards Felix. When he calls him a hypocrite, he just rolls his eyes.

“Walk with me,” the younger requests. He complies and follows Felix to his place. It’s too late for the bus to run and Changbin doesn’t want Felix to be alone at this time. Plus it’s proximity, and proximity is always good.

As they walk, Felix rambles about the choreography that he has begun to plan with Minho for their next busking event. It was what they had been practicing in the studio for the past few weeks, but Changbin has not been able to see the full program because he has been preoccupied with his own performances. When he admits this to Felix, the boy looks slightly miffed.

“Let me show you.”

“We are in the middle of a park at ten o’clock at night. I don’t know if it is the best idea.”

“Trust me.” Felix was quite literally the clumsiest person in their group even as one of their best dancers. Changbin rolls his eyes and waves for him to proceed. He finds a light under a lamp post, and it almost feels like one of their actual performances. He bends down on the floor in his starting position and begins to sing the accompaniment of the choreography. His voice catches Changbin completely off guard. He had no idea that he could sing, especially that well. It’s so much higher than his rapping voice and gives off a significantly different vibe from his usual style. Changbin is completely entranced by his movements. When he finishes, Changbin cannot help but clap.

“That was, just wow. And you choreographed that?” Felix nods. “Amazing,” he adds.

“If it’s so good, explain to me how are you able to keep your eyes off of this beauty during practice?” he comments jokingly.

He considers the point and thinks and realizes that he just keeps himself preoccupied so that he will not get distracted. He says something similar to that, omitting the fact that he would definitely be staring if he was not forcing himself to work.

“Chan related things?” He then proceeds to wriggle his eyebrows suggestively.

Changbin looks at him, unamused. He really does not find any validity in the rumors. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I thought the two of you were just doing a weird progressive thing where you guys act like you’re dating because you have feelings for each other but are just not putting a label on it because it’s uncomfortable to put one on it.” Changbin stares at him for a moment

“Is that actually a thing? I guess it makes sense. Sometimes labels can be overwhelming.”

“So am I right?”

“Not at all.” His reply stops Felix in his tracks. Changbin turns around to look at Felix. Under one of the lamps, he can see that his eyes and mouth are comically wide. He can feel himself smile as he walks towards him.

“We used to date in high school,” he explains as he motions for Felix to move, “Things were pretty good until Chan realized that it wasn’t really working out for him.”

“Why? The two of you work so well together and have known each other for such a long time. The two of you look like you are dating. It is literally the best friend trope waiting to happen.”

“People’s emotions just stop sometimes. With Chan, he said he started to like someone else and I wasn’t really bothered by it. In the beginning, nothing had really changed for me anyways. It just felt like an extension of our friendship.” At the time, the way that Changbin had thought about it, they were still two bros, but they were two bros who made out whenever they felt like it. “Plus, I think I may like someone else.”

“Really? Who? Binnie,” Felix says as he drags out the last e sound. “Tell meeee.”

Changbin laughs at how cute the younger is acting. Felix then proceeds to cling onto his arm and pull on his sleeve. He looks back down a few times and feels his heart and resolve weakening as he sees the puppy dog eyes being given to him.

“If it makes you happy, he’s in our group,” he admits when they arrive at his apartment building. Felix becomes happy with the newfound information and crashes Changbin into a hug. He doesn’t visibly stiffen or anything, but his arms rest only gingerly around the taller person. He tries to hide to discomfort as Felix says goodbye to him and rushes into the building. He watches him until he is out of sight, and then proceeds to walk home. As he does so he catches a familiar scent. He isn’t sure where it is coming from until he pulls his sweatshirt over his nose.

It’s the smell of Felix, something he had not yet forgotten and that caused a sense of calm and happiness to overcome him. When he walks into the apartment, he finds Jisung’s room empty. Chan is in his room, and to Changbin’s relief, asleep. He cleans up the documents on Chan’s desk. From the warmth of the computer, Changbin could tell that he had not been asleep for long. He approaches the elder and looks more closely at him. His expression is too tense for him to be asleep.

It’s why he isn’t at all surprised when one of Chan’s eyes crack open. He sits up and rubs his eyes as if he was sleeping.

“Hey,” he begins as a lazy smile appears on his face, “you’re home.”

“And you lied to me.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s closer to eleven?”Changbin says, even surprising himself. He had not realized he had been out with Felix for so long. “And you were working.”

At least Chan has the decency to look somewhat apologetic. “I lost track of time.”

Changbin sighs. “You always do.”

“Come here, Binnie.”

“Let me get ready for bed first. Then I’ll come over.” He retreats to his room in order to brush his teeth and change into something more suitable for sleeping. He throws the sweatshirt onto the bed, not sure of what he wants to do with it. He doesn’t want the smell to leave. As he stares at it, he thinks about his feelings for Felix but as soon as those arise, they are forced back down. He turns to face himself in the mirror and mentally tells himself to just stop. Then he goes back to Chan’s room.

In the dark, Changbin can make out the small smile that appears on Chan’s face when he sees him. Chan pulls him down onto the bed. Once comfortable, Changbin has his head resting on Chan’s broad chest, the elder’s arm around his waist.

“Felix thought we were dating,” he comments offhandedly.

“I thought everyone in the group just knew you and I were really close?” Chan replies.

“Same here. I guess not. I made sure to clarify the situation with him so a false rumor doesn’t go around and mess up any chance that you have with Woojin.” There was a pause, “Speaking of Woojin, how was spending the evening with him?”

Chan’s grip around him seemed to tighten a bit. “It was nice. He was a different presence. Kind of similar to you, with being quiet and such, except he didn’t have such a hard shell to him. It was like I could poke that shell and he wouldn’t try to kill me at any point. After he would do great on a recording, he would smile, I would smile, and then everything was good in the world.”

Changbin laughs at how cheesy his best friend was being. “I sense an emotional growth, and I’m happy for you.”

“You have to record a song for me again,” is mentioned out of nowhere. It’s an odd change of topic, but he sees nothing wrong with it.

“We’ve talked about this. I don’t sing. If you want someone, get Felix or something.”

“What do you- wait. Felix?”

Changbin nods and hopes Chan can feel the gesture. “He has a nice voice. I had no idea he could sing.”

“Huh,” Chan mumbles, “the more you know. I’ll get him into the studio later.” He turns to face Changbin. Their faces are mere centimeters away, and it's quite reminiscent of when they dated in high school. Now that he actually thinks about it, a lot of what they do reminds him of when they dated.

“Chan,” Changbin begins as he rests a hand on the elder’s cheek. He feels Chan press closer to the contact, “Why did we break up again?”

“It got complicated for me and you never cared,” he expresses briefly.

“I don’t know if I actually cared. Maybe it was the lack of change that settled in me that stopped me from actually being able to feel anything when we seperated.”

A silence rests between them. “Why are you thinking of this now?” He asks.

“The whole thing with labels. Felix had thought that the two of us were just a labeless item, like we were together, but not really together. I guess that made sense. But what about us. We act like a couple. Look at us now. We’re cuddling, like we do almost every night when I have my own room across the hall. Like. What the hell. Isn’t it weird?”

“How do you feel about me? As in, do you like me that way?”

He degrades and rambles. “I don’t know. I guess you’re a pretty good looking dude with a funny personality and a more attractive accent. It’s not like I think about kissing you randomly. I don’t get giddy when I see you or anything; my heart rate lowers because I am relaxed around you. I like these cuddle sessions and us holding hands. I can live without it, but I like my life more with them.”

“Would it matter to you if you did the things I did with you with someone else?”

Felix’s face appears in Changbin’s head. “I don’t like it when people touch me that often. You know this.”

“What if it was with Felix?”

“I have small blurbs in my mind that tell me that I like him,” he replies not actually answering the question.

“I would think if you did like me, then your mind would say the same with me whenever you see me.”

“But what if my mind has been so desensitized to your presence that it automatically labels you as best friend whenever it sees you and won’t give me that onslaught of I like yous?”

Chan laughs. “Let’s just sleep on this Binnie. I promise I’ll sleep.” He presses a brief kiss to the younger’s forehead before closing his eyes.

Changbin makes sure the crease between Chan’s eyebrows is gone before he goes to sleep. The next morning, the video he sends to the group chat is thoroughly appreciated by everyone except Chan.

* * *

**extreme body temperatures**  
The tutoring sessions with Felix are going quite well. In addition to his pre established liking to him, Changbin grows to be more fond of the younger and his childish ways. Whenever he inadvertently annoys his Changbin, his arms fold up over his head into a heart and honestly, he cannot continue to be mad at him afterwards. (he’s weak; he knows)

Changbin thinks that with his girlfriend, Felix would not be as clingy as he is, since sharing such actions that you would typically do with a significant other with someone who does not hold that position isn’t seen or done very often. He’s wrong on so many levels. The physical affection begins a few weeks after their first meeting. Overall, they were becoming closer with Changbin being able to rant about Jisung’s midnight escapades and Felix about how his girlfriend was too busy gaming or something to make time for him. It caused Changbin to be confused by the fact that she couldn’t make time for this ball of sunshine. He feels like he is always at his happiest around Felix, if he isn’t asleep or rapping.

Which is why, logically, falling asleep or performing with Felix would be probably the best experience he could ever have. He cringes internally at just how cheesy that is.

The two of them sit next to each other in the lecture room of their Biology class. The heater of the room broke last week, leaving the room to be a living refrigerator. The hoodie he is wearing doesn’t really help him. He can’t get himself to completely concentrate on anything with just how cold his hands are. Felix seems to take notice of this detail.

“Are you okay?” he asks, the concern clear on his face.

Changbin nods. “Nothing new. Just cold hands.”

Felix reaches out to grab the hands that are lamely laying on top of the table. Felix’s expression matches his own one of shock.

“Dude. What is this? Your hands are freezing cold.”

“What about you? You’re radiating heat.”

“Because I’m so hot?”

While hiding his blush by pulling the collar of his turtleneck over his nose, he replies, “Shut up you brat.”

These types of exchanges continue to happen between them, both the weird flirting and the hand holding. Changbin doesn’t dare question the actions and chooses to simply revel in their proximity. He never moves or anything of the sort, opting to let Felix do what he wanted and to make it seem like to himself that any of these movements that may seem intimate are not actually intimate.

Things are never that easy for Changbin.

“Can I cling onto you?” blurts out one day during English. “I miss my girlfriend and I don’t know how else to release all of this affection I feel,” Felix explains rapidly. Due to the weird pronunciation of the syllables and the momentum the words had, Changbin is confused but gets the gist.

“Cling?” the elder repeats, “what do you mean by that?” Felix then proceeds to stand up and wrap his arms around his sitting form. Changbin does flinch, but Felix doesn’t necessarily take it as a hint to move off and he doesn’t have it in him to tell him to stop. He likes the fact that there’s this proximity between the two of them, but there is a sense of guilt that he feels as it happens. If it helps the younger feel better, who is he to object? So, day after day, he starts to cling onto him, and paired with the hand to hand contact, Changbin cannot help but feel quite happy.

Every time it happens, he can’t help but feel vaguely incredulous. He knows he stares, which is a bit weird, but Felix never seems to mind. He just very casually sticks their hands together. One day, they are doing a lab, and two of their classmates, Youngkyun and Minhyuk, do nothing to hide their questioning eyes as Felix clings onto him while he does the whole lab.

“You guys really aren’t dating?” Changbin shakes his head as he gestures for Minhyuk to hand him another one of the leaves.

“This one has a girlfriend that he misses,” he explains. He can feel the younger nod against his shoulder.

Out of the corner of his eye, he can see the other two boys stare at each other questioningly for a moment, but he doesn’t bother to say anything about it.

Besides all of the clinging, there’s one thing that Felix does that he cannot help but adore. There are random moments where he’ll just stand in front of him, and honestly, he just likes staring at him. For some weird reason, he can’t maintain eye contact with him, and always looks away. Changbin doesn’t really mind because he can still admire the color of his eyes and the other small details on his face.

Apparently some of their fans are in their classes because pictures of the two of them begin to emerge on the internet, thoroughly alarming the rest of the team. Changbin doesn’t think it is too large of a PR issue. It’s just the two of them doing what they normally do, so what’s wrong with it?

One day, he is proven wrong. He instantly witnesses chaos when he walks into the studio. It had been a normal day. He had no classes and allowed himself to stay home and sleep in. He actually tried to look somewhat decent today by pulling a brush through his hair, choosing some piercings that would accent the clothes that he was wearing. Then deeming himself somewhat “dressed up” he walked out of his room happy.

But, now, watching Felix yelling loudly and repeatedly to his members that he is still dating his girlfriend while they are yelling back doubts makes his mood dissipate.

“What the hell is going on?” Chan asks behind him, loudly enough to shatter his eardrums.

“There have been rumors that Changbin and Felix are dating!” Jisung exclaims, “They think that Changbin is cheating on you in order to have an affair with a presumably straight member. I guess it does make sense from their perspective, considering the fact that the two of them are practically inseparable during practice sometimes, they’re cuddling during class, and they constantly are holding each other’s hands for no real reason, except for what Felix claims is that Changbin’s hands are always cold, which I know is true but the fans don’t know that and they think that they’re just excessively clingy and intimate.”

“I have a long distance relationship, and this is what I get? I’m still dating my girlfriend! I have no idea why any of you would speculate this,” Felix adds. He turns to point at Changbin. “He’s just a means for me to release all of these pent up emotions.”

Chan chuckles. “Calm down, Han, you're rambling. I had no idea the fans were like this. Changbin and I are still not dating, Felix is a bisexual man who is still dating his girlfriend and just happens to be very clingy. If the boy just wants to hold a smaller person, what better person than Changbin?”

Changbin shoots him a blatantly offended look which is equally as blatantly ignored. Chan just wraps his arms around him and rests his head on his shoulder.

“And you ask why people think the two of you are dating?” Minho asks.

“The two of us are interested in people, just not each other,” Chan explains.

“But it’s just so soft,” Jeongin says, “The two of you are so cute together.”

“That’s just how it is when two attractive people are close to each other,” Chan continues

“Please explain why you’re like this again. I’ve known the two of you for the past five years and even I ship you two together,” Jisung comments.

“We’re just close. You know this.” Changbin states “The two of us just have a really close relationship that we realized could get compromised with the presence of romantic emotions. We just want to do the things couples do because they are comfortable to us, but any emotional connection to them is nonexistent. We are human, and we want to get that connection, but just not with each other. Okay?”

He pauses for a while in order to let the information sink into their members’ minds, even though that had heard something along those words before from them. Chan’s grip behind him tightens for a moment before he releases him. “Now. Everyone get to work before I make each of you do thirty pushups.”

Everyone scatters except for Changbin and Felix.

“Thanks for that. I wasn’t aware of how scary they could be.”

“They’re more evil than you. I would have been immensely afraid. Little baby demons.”

“Did you call all of the younger ones baby demons?”

“You’re one of them.”

“Hey!” They laugh, “I actually like brat better.“

“Then that is what I will save you as in my contacts.” He takes out his phone and searches for something vaguely related to Felix, and finds just Felix. The boy in subject looks at the screen and grimaces at the name.

“You’re so boring,” he begins, grabbing the phone from his hands. Changbin does nothing to stop him and watches him furiously type the characters into his phone. Then he raises the phone and takes a picture of himself. After dropping the phone in Changbin’s hands, he skips towards the other dancers so that they can do their work.

It reads floofer in all lowercase letters, with a small heart next to it, and it makes him wonder what Felix has him saved as.

The speculation of them dating continues and it seems to be getting onto Felix’s nerves more so than anyone expects it to. As they had been with Changbin and Chan, the rest of the team started to constantly question him and Changbin about their dating status. Felix makes it his mission to clarify to everyone that he is not dating her, and his adamancy kind of hurts. At some point during a practice break, Changbin sees him furiously typing on his phone, complaining about how unhappy he is that no one will believe that he has a girlfriend who is on a different continent.

Changbin himself had been slightly enjoying in the misinterpretations, finding it both amusing and a means by which he could vicariously fulfill his wants. He starts to feel bad as he sees the evident discomfort on Felix’s face. In order to have that smile return to his face, he tries to denounce the rumors as well, no matter how much he wants them to be true.

However, there is one weird thing. While he wants the rumors to go away, Felix continues to cling onto Changbin. Those physical indicators were and continue to be the most blatant indicator of why people thought they were a couple. When he asks him about it he simply says that he misses his girlfriend more, causing his heart to sink.

* * *

**performance days**  
Street performance days are fun. In the beginning they were really rough because all of them were clueless upon what they needed in order to make their performances the best that they can be. Woojin, being the Finance major he is, helped to budget out their earnings that they got from jobs and donations in order to input the correct investments into what would benefit them the most. Soon enough, there was a Stray Kids bank account with joint ownership between Chan and Woojin, with the whole group having access to it.

Now that they have themselves put together, things are easier. They would set up their tent on the street and use it as a temporary changing studio. Using a portable mirror and each other’s makeup bags and a Jeongjin (the makeup master), looking great and having nearly flawless skin is easily accomplished. Local fashion icons Hyunjin and Seungmin are always able to pick clothes befitting of a coherent group and whatever style they plan on performing that day.

The first performance by tradition is always the full group. Chan had recently remixed a few English songs together and Minho choreographed it. Although the singers would not be able to utilize what they were gifted with, they would still be great support for the performance. Together, they were a powerhouse; they are a powerhouse.

The wave of effect they have on everyone is inexplicable. At the sight of them, everyone instantly perks up and screams their names. After all this time, that kind of influence is still a bit hard to believe.  
They got into position and with the help of one of their closer friends, Jae, the music starts a few moments later. Changbin goes into a mindspace where all he can think about are the dance moves and the beat he is on. It just works, bringing him out of his shell and allowing for his stage character to appear. People say he has a natural charisma even when he’s brooding; he just thinks these people are weird.

When all of the members get into formation and do the movement of the beat of the gunshots, he’s just glad nothing went wrong. The formation was always hard for them. Everything after that is very smooth and to end, he crouches after Chan knocks on the floor. Once the clapping subsides a bit, they all run into the tent except for Chan. As the leader, he feels obligated to announce everything and thank all the fans for their attendance. It’s a great job to have. There’s also the fact that he is a part of the next performance.

Seungmin, Jisung, and Woojin have quickly changed into more formal shirts with large trench coats and are now walking out. Through the curtains, he watches Woojin lay the jacket across his shoulder. Chan announces the vocal performance and the music begins. As he feels his muscles relax, Changbin sinks down into one of the chairs of the corner of the tent, His head lolls back and he stares at the apex of the tent and zones out for a bit. He watches Felix in the distance as he actively talks to Jeongin about something.

“I see what you’re looking at there,” JIsung says as he plants his hands on his shoulders. The touch doesn’t make him shudder because it’s Jisung, but he still isn’t the most comfortable.

“You mean Felix?” he asks, not even denying it. “Yeah. Why?”

“He’s cute isn’t he?” Jisung persists. Changbin hums in agreement, “Everyone knows you like him except for Felix himself.”

The comment makes him look up at his friend. “Yeah. He’s an oblivious person, Han; everyone knows that. How’d everyone figure out my feelings?”

“You’re quite obvious about it. You stare at him wherever he is and don’t seem bothered when he touches you. Legitimately, you took over three years to let me touch you.” Changbin shrugs. “And you still aren’t completely comfortable with it.”

“Not everyone is completely aware of the whole touching thing unless they tried to touch me. Which you are the only one to have done besides Chan and Felix. So I am open to the touching if given the opportunity.”

“Stop it. You and I both know that’s a lie. I hope you know that no one really wants to do that because they don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Yet. Here’s Felix, suddenly draping his arms over you and you don’t have a care in the world?”

“It’s different because I kind of just want him closer.”

“So you like him.”

When Changbin doesn’t respond, Jisung kind of gives up and slumps over the elder, resting his chin on his head. Changbin lets him and watches the singers come back into the tent. They have large grins on their faces, and it’s when Minho walks out that he realizes that it’s Felix’s turn. He stands up, pushing him off of his shoulders. He ignores Jisung’s remarks, puts a facemask on, and walks briskly out of the tent, into the crowd. Minho and Hyunjin have moved to the sides in order to let Felix tumble into the middle to start the dance. He swears Felix looks up at him and winks directly at him. He’s just seeing things. He blames his emotions.

Their routine continues, and a swell of pride appears in Changbin’s chest. Felix was so worried about this choreography, and it came out so well. He threads through the massive amount of people so that he can reach behind the screen. There, the other members are getting ready.

Chan sees him and instantly throws him the red jacket he’s supposed to wear onstage. He takes off his sweatshirt so that he can put it on over the black shirt. He picks up one of the mics from the vanity as the roar of the applause fades away. The three dancers come in and everyone hugs them or gives them pats on the back. He sees Jisung practically tackle Minho who receives him with a tired smile. Last week he and Chan had figured out that it was Minho who had been in their apartment, confirming the latter’s suspicions. While they were out bar hopping, Jisung had been drunk enough to admit who it was, causing Minho to flush red in embarrassment. Chan waved it off as nothing to bad, just that he would kill him if any harm were to come to the younger. A true dad in the making.

As he walks out, Changbin sees Felix. He gives him a nod of acknowledgement and quickly ruffles his hair. Before he can pass through the curtain, he feels arms reach around him and pull him into a hug. The smell of that familiar cologne tells his mind that it is Felix. And as soon as he comprehends what is happening, he is released. He turns around to look at the younger who is waving at him excessively with a large grin on his face. It takes everything in Changbin to wink at the younger in return. He thinks he sees something, but turns away too quickly to actually confirm it.

The first few lines of Start Line begin over the speakers and the crowd goes wild. Jisung’s verse starts and Changbin feels like he is immediately sucked into the song. He finds himself naturally moving and swaying with the beat of the music. He easily interacts with the crowd and his group mates, a complete 180 from the person he presents himself as to others. In the back of his head, he cannot stop denying the fact that the red blush that appeared in Felix’s face was a trick of lighting.

It had to be. There was no reason for him to blush. Any charm that he had was only on stage and since that was not where he was, there was no red in Felix’s face. No. Not at all. He almost forgets to sing his part since he cannot stop thinking about the flush, but luckily he snaps out of it right as Chan is ending his note and is able to launch right into his rap. Changbin continues with his motions, evne going to the crowd and taking pictures with them.

When Chan sings the last verse, Changbin waves at the crowd and lets Jisung pull them away. Back inside, Changbin can’t find Felix. He feels lost for a few moments, until he feels someone behind him. The younger boy has attached himself around his waist. He’s panting, to Changbin’s surprise.

“What’s with this reaction?” he asks as he brushes off a few strands that are stuck to Felix’s forehead with sweat. It is then that he notices the face mask that’s barely hanging off of one of his earlobes. It causes him to chuckle again as he removes it and throws it haphazardly onto the makeup table. “Did you go out to see me perform?” The younger nods. “I’m sorry I didn’t see you,” he apologizes.

“At least you returned what was given before you went out.” Changbin gave him another look of confusion.

“The wink?” he asks. Felix gives him a partially exasperated look. So, he hadn’t imagined it.

“Yes, the wink. But why did you have to mention it. I could’ve left this partially mysterious aura behind. And it would have been amazing to just see you suffer. But no. You had to ask.”

“You didn’t have to answer?”

Felix hits his chest in partial embarrassment. “Shut up.” Changbin can see the smile appear on the younger’s face.

* * *

**shared words**  
When he had first given the younger his phone number it was just for the sake of reference and if he needed help in the new area when Minho, Chan, or Jisung were not available to help him, which consequently meant that they did not talk all that often. Changbin expects Felix to talk as he does in the Stray Kids group chat, projecting his presence and being completely illogical. When they do text, he’s pretty much as he had expect, just more coherent and less cancerous.

After Felix enlists Changbin as his tutor, they talk exponentially more, allowing for more of their conversations to be because they wanted to talk and not because they needed to. The first time that they talk without needing specific information from each other is when Changbin is sent a meme of Jisung that is intended for Chan. He gladly saves the meme for himself and potential blackmail. He is able to talk about their perceptions of just how stupid Jisung can be, a topic that lasts them for a good amount of time before they talk about each other and their lives. It’s just nice.

As he writes his report for biology on the nature of sugary drinks on the body and why one should not be constantly consuming them, he hears his phone buzz multiple times. He flips it over and is greeted by a wall of texts from Felix trying to get his attention.

 _ **f**_ **loofer**  
_Binnie_  
_Binnie_  
_Binnie_  
_BINNIE_  
_Acknowledge your favorite person_

He cannot help but smile at how ridiculous the younger can be.

 _**changbin(nie)** _  
_Yeah._

 _**floofer** _  
_Do you think i am a tol child?_

He reads the statement over again. Now what in the fresh hell is that supposed to mean? Based on phonetics it is something that is related to his size because he is taller than Changbin, but there is no real reason to be an intentional misspelling at the end of his words. Not wanting to be confused he simply asks.

_**changbin(nie)**  
What does “tol” mean?_

_**floofer** _  
_It is like a way of saying tall in a cute way_  
_This way the word implies that i am tall and cute_

 _**changbin(nie)** _  
_Then yes, it is a fitting description._

He turns his phone off and places it face down on the desk, away from him so that he can concentrate on his report. Because it is so easy for Changbin to talk to Felix, he feels himself being quickly pulled into conversation but the knowledge that his report is due next week and that he doesn’t want to pull off a Chan and suffer unconditionally is able to pull him away from the device. His phone continues to buzz and it takes him all of his willpower to not throw it across the room in frustration. He does not completely understand why he constantly feels so inclined to pick up his phone and talk to the younger when sleeping and excelling in school should be his priority. He makes himself concentrate on the report as he discusses why ice cream is better, although not necessarily good for you, in comparison to something like soda.

Hours later, after he has finished his rough draft, he closes the laptop and releases a puff of air, relieved that he will at least have something to submit when the time comes. He reaches over for his phone to see a long stream of texts from the time before.

 _**floofer** _  
_aww binnieeeeee_  
_you think i’m cute?_  
_denks_  
_ <3<3<3_  
_where are you? we have practice_  
_jisung is bothering me about youuuu_  
_I thought you would be here to help meeeeee_  
_BINNIEEEEE_  
_why have you forsaken meeeeeee_

 _oh lol_  
_chan told me you were back at his place working on a report_  
_Responsible_  
_I gotta go do stuffs for dance_  
_sorry if i was disturbing you :(_  
_ <3<3<3_

His thoughts run through his head saying incoherent things and curses dumb boys making Changbin have dumb smiles on his face. He texts the boy back in order to reassure him that he has done nothing wrong.

 _**changbin(nie)** _  
_No, don’t worry, you were fine._  
_I was just very deep in thought._  
_I hope you had a great time dancing and doing whatever you were doing._  
_I’m sorry for not responding quickly._

In that moment, he hesitates for a moment before adding a heart at the end of the text.

_< 3  
_

* * *

**mixed signals**  
Changbin has just gotten home when he receives the text. He is kicking off her shoes and heading for the living room to sit down next to Jisung for movie night.

 **floofer**  
i think i like someone else who isn’t my girlfriend.

Upon reading it he instantly makes a hard right into his room. He falls onto his bed front first as he types out his response. In order to respect the younger’s privacy he chooses not to prod who he likes. There’s the dumb voice at the back of his head screaming that it could be him, but he knows. He just knows that it cannot be him.

 _**changbin(nie)** _  
_How’d you get to this conclusion?_

 _**floofer** _  
_i just don’t feel as close to her as much_  
_she doesn't talk to me_  
_whenever we skype she always isn’t paying attention to me but her league games_  
_It’s actually really irritating cause it feels like i have to put in all the effort but none is returned_  
_Part of him thinks that Felix is just lacking in the attention he needs at the moment._

_**changbin(nie)**  
I don’t think that is a good relationship, especially considering your basic social nature_

_**floofer** _  
_I KNOW._  
_I’m soooooo frustrated_  
_I want her to talk to me more._  
_dude dude dude_  
_I am actually so desperate._

_**changbin(nie)**  
How so?_

_**floofer** _  
_Since i want to talk to her, I get super compliant with how to do it_  
_The main thing is when i jump into group calls with her and her friends_  
_They’re all talking about school and such_  
_And i’m there like mhm okay sure i totally know what y’all are talking about_  
_And i just feel super ignored_  
_I just want her to talk to me, you know?_  
_perhaps i just have to remind her more that i exist._

He feels bad for the younger, knowing that his relationship isn't going how he wants it to. **  
**

_****changbin(nie)** ** _  
_i don’t think you should have to force yourself to remind her. In a relationship it typically feels like communication should go both ways and that there's always some type of thought of the other. You should not have to go out of your way to remind this person that you exist._

There’s a pause for a few moments as Changbin realizes he may have indirectly given the younger the advice to break up with his girlfriend. **  
**

_****floofer** ** _  
_I guess you’re right._  
_But she still deserves some time._  
_So we’ll see._  
_Go do your movie night._  
_Jisung is being all whiny about it._

Changbin laughs to himself as he sticks his phone back in his pocket and walks back out into the living room. As he plops down next to Jisung, he wiggles his eyebrows suggestively and he rolls his eyes in response. Chan walks in moments later with an obviously tired look on his face. Changbin gestures for him to sit next to him, an offer which is gladly accepted by the elder.

He feels the seat sink down next to him and a head in his lap. He instinctively begins to card his fingers through Chan’s hair.

The movie starts and he realizes that he’s read the unimpressive book for which is was based on and decides to opt out on watching it attentively. His mind wanders off to the fact that the younger likes someone else. Whoever that person is is very lucky. He also questions how can someone ignore the large floofer of life that is Lee Felix. He’s just so eye catching, charismatic, and happy that it isn't possible to not see him when he is right in front of you.

So maybe Changbin is a bit biased.

Felix is the opposite of him and he feels like someone like him would just drag him down. Sure, he may be attached to him at the hip because he tutors him in English, knows weirdly specific details about him, and apparently stares at him at random prolonged intervals, but those all pretty much mean nothing. Especially the stares. Naturally Felix zones into a single point in order to focus but it is understandable since he cannot concentrate easily and by that means he is able to keep more attention on a subject. Sometimes, it just happens to be on Changbin’s face.

He, himself, is somewhat guilty of the same thing, except he doesn’t do it when he spaces out; it’s more of a moment for him to appreciate Felix’s physical features.. The details of Felix’s face are things that Changbin wants to know and almost memorize. While he can see his face much closer when he forces proximity, most of the time the younger just tries to take notes, and Changbin finds satisfaction in just studying his features from afar instead of disrupting him from his work.

He is always brought out of his thoughts with a gesture from the said boy, be it a poke to the cheek, a ruffle to the hair, or a pull of the sleeve. After a few blanks his mind returns to their lecture and he waves off the younger telling him he’s fine.

Having all of these thoughts about Felix eventually cause this feeling of anxiety because he feels like what he’s doing is wrong. He makes the decision to just try to not think about him. So he looks down at Chan just to find him looking back at him.

“Why aren’t you watching the movie?”

“There’s more interesting things that I’d rather look at.”

Jisung retches next to him.

“You’re funny,” Changbin replies, simply patting Chan’s head. Chan then takes the hand off of his head and presses the palm to his lips. He just cocks his head to the side at the elder’s actions before deciding to try to watch the movie. It’s complete trash. He can’t seem to concentrate n what’s happen on the screen. His eyes droop slowly before his vision turns to black.

By the time he opens his eyes, it’s morning. Jisung, to his left, is no longer on the couch but on the floor. Chan is gone, probably for his morning classes. He checks his watch and realizes he only has an hour to get ready. Being the nice roommate he is, he carries Jisung into his room before rushing to take a shower and get ready. He dresses himself in a plain shirt, large hoodie, joggers, and a long winter coat. He pulls a facemask on and wraps a scarf around his neck, and puts the cap onto his head before running out immediately to the bus stop.

Felix is waiting for him at the bus stop. He trips, almost falling face first, but catching himself in time so that he ends up a mess in front of the younger.

“I hope you didn’t wait to long,” he says after he catches his breath.

He gives him his dumb smile, saying it’s fine, and tells him that they should just go now. They link arms, the comfortable silence falling between them.

Changbin does adore how the city looks in the winter. It’s all so much purer with the extra layer of white. His cold blooded tendencies are what keep him from fully indulging in it. The red noses and constant states of shivering are horrible for him.

At least all the buildings are extra warm.

In biology, Changbin is drowsy and bored, so he does what he does best besides making music and studying biology: staring at Felix. His eyes trace over the lines of his face. It starts at random points, sometimes the tip of his nose, sometimes the corner of his lips, sometimes the base of his neck. He loves constantly going over those lines. His physical attributes are simply beautiful. He loves everything about his face. The way the light reflects off his eyes to highlight their rich brown color. The dark sprinkle of freckles on his light cheeks are like inverted stars in the sky. Then there is also just his really nice facial structure. Since today is no different from any other besides the weather, he is brought out of his admirations with a gesture from the said boy, today being a poke of the cheek. After a few blinks his mind (vaguely) returns to their lecture and hewaves off the younger and repeating the mantra that he’s fine.

Felix grabs him by the wrist, guiding him out of their building and back into the cold of the streets. He forces the younger to stop so that he can wrap his scarf around his mouth and ears. Felix holds his hand, but not in the way that he and Chan do. When they hold hands, their fingers are entangled, while with Felix it is just two hands cupping each other. He’s surprised at the gesture, but doesn’t question it as they walk to the cafe where Minho works.

The elder greets the two of them and begins to get their drinks ready for them. Even they are different; a pink cup of strawberry milk and a cup of black coffee, respectively.

“How are you drinking that in this weather?” he asks the younger. They sit down at the couch next to the window facing the street. He looks out at the small sprinkles of snow that are beginning to grace the typically dark scheme of the buildings and streets. Felix shrugs and continues to sip on his drink. Changbin always thought that since he hailed from such a warm place, he would be freezing in this weather but he seems to be his warm sunshine self both internally and externally.

After a long moment of comfortable silence, Changbin asks him if he wants to talk about his girlfriend. It cues the younger’s default reaction of just sinking back into the couch and doing unnecessary head rolls side to side. Changbin shakes one of his shoulders to get the younger up. It’s reactions like this that he knows that he’s willing to talk, but needs to be poked at for a little bit before an answer is given.

He releases a sigh. “With this whole thing of liking someone else, I don’t know if it’s just a thing because of distance or if I really don’t like her anymore. I think it’s just a distance thing, so I think I have to just make more of an active attempt to engage more with her, even if she isn’t totally giving it to me.”  
“I don’t think this is something you can force, Felix,” he repeats.

“Fine. it isn’t forcing. It’s more of making my presence known better to her. Just a constant effort,” he says it in a tone that’s so defensive, Changbin feels like he may have overstepped his boundaries.

The atmosphere of the cafe and the two of them sinks a bit from the unspoken tension. Felix tucks his head into the crook of Changbin’s shoulder and has thrown his arms across his torso. It’s so domestic and he cannot help but hear the sirens going off in his head. When he turns his head over a bit to see Minho looking at him with a confused look he reflects the expression and shrugs. He doesn’t know what this is or what the younger is doing but does no part of him want to push him away.

The warmth seeps deep into his skin. With his heavy coat and the living heat pack on top of him, he feels quite comfortable in this situation. His eyelids begin to get heavy and droop. Not sleeping more than two hours a day for the past week makes him much more susceptible to sleeping in random places. He normally doesn’t do something like this, being the responsible person he is, but he had felt incredibly bad at math and was trying to drill all the lessons into his head.

Technically, taking six twenty minute naps isn’t that bad. According to research, it optimizes the amount of time you are awake by adding about twenty years of consciousness. What Changbin would do with that time, he has no idea, but it is approved by science and thus is accepted by him. But perhaps cheating the schedule won’t be too bad for once.

It’s weird, having someone in his arms that isn’t Chan. Even after all those years that he had spent with Chan, he has to admit that Felix is simply better because it is more natural. With Chan, it took him time to get used to the social mannerisms and understand how they worked. Felix allows him to not panic at all. It’s incredibly peculiar, but is glad he can have this feeling of inner peace with someone new.

Felix pulls him out of his sleep when they poke him in the face many times. It’s quite irritating, honestly. He finds himself groaning at the uncomfortable sensation and instead opting for reaching over to tighten his grip around Felix.

* * *

**fading feelings  
** A loud scream occurs ahead of him. The younger members are running around the night market, looking at the small trinkets as well as the variety of food. The rest, also known as Minho, Woojin, Chan, and Changbin, watch them and only interfere when it looks like there will be unnecessary conflict or when someone will probably get hurt.

It’s the day right after the end of their winter semester and everyone could not be happier. Changbin ended up with all A’s in his classes, even English, thanks to Felix. The younger almost did the same except he just scraped a B- in math. He was somehow in a higher math than him, but the concepts were apparently so much more complicated than his own class that he wasn’t faring so well, which caused Changbin to be concerned at moments, but the younger seemed content and sure of what he was doing a majority of the time, so he thinks that everything is okay.

As of now, Changbin’s mind no longer thinks about the success of Stray Kids in the past few weeks with them being featured in a couple of big music blogs, nor about his perfect grades. Instead, all he sees in his mind is Felix and his new white blonde hair. The boy himself is attached to Jisung’s back in a piggy back ride and shouting random phrases out of joy. As they pass by one of the bright lights from the stalls, the beam crosses through the younger’s hair illuminating him and making him shine so unbelievably bright.

Apparently he stares for so long it causes Woojin to bump into him and give him a knowing look. He doesn’t think that he is so obvious with his emotions. He feigns confusion, but the elder sees through his facade and rolls his eyes.

“You aren’t the most blatant like Jisung is with Minho, but I have experienced what you’re going through right now, and honestly, I don’t think you are the only one that’s stuck in confusion.” He pats his head before joining Jeongin up front and sliding his arm around the younger.

He questions why Woojin has to be so vague with him. Changbin wants to reach out for the elder and question him more about his statement, but he doesn’t get the chance. He thinks that it’s totally unnecessary because Changbin himself doesn’t completely understand emotions since, as mentioned before, everyone thinks he has none. So, how does Woojin expect him to understand why Felix would be confused at all? The younger has it all, popularity, a joyful persona, and a girlfriend who adores him. Mostly. When she isn’t in her computer playing video games. He’s seen pictures of her. To be honest, he is totally out of her league, but Changbin feels like he does not have the right to criticize since he thinks that he himself is physically worse. He follows the group around contemplating the elder’s words and only one conclusion comes to mind.

It’s the same one that he’s been avoiding.

Nonetheless, it’s completely impossible. Felix doesn’t like him. He pushes the thought away for the umpteenth time and decides to purchase some bag of radish cakes and fish cakes. Food tends to help him keep his mind off of the complicated. Simple is always the ideal state he wants things to be. That’s why he tends to avoid his emotions because he doesn’t completely comprehend how they work nor how they could potentially influence others. He does stand by the truth; the idea of just expressing what you think was appealing to him since it saved complications between two parties and what could arise out of those lies. He is stuck in this limbo where he knows he has these horrible complicating emotions, but his desire for proximity prevents him from staying by his morals.

Omittance isn’t lying, therefore he technically isn’t breaking any of his morals, and everything is great. Yet there is a sprinkle of doubt in his head. It’s uncomfortable and he wants it gone.

After paying for his food he continues to follow the group and listens to conversations, feeding them as he goes around. Seungmin and Hyunjin are ranting about their professor and his unfair grading scale. Woojin and Jeongin are discussing the latter’s first semester of school and how it went. Chan has his arm draped around Minho’s shoulders to what looks like dismay in Jonathan’s face. As he puts one of the fish cakes in Chan’s mouth he turns around to walk away, just to have himself be pulled in by the hand. Glad to see that his desired companion was no longer with someone else, Jisung instantly stands as close as possible to the elder.

Chan swings their hands and hums one of his mixed tracks while Changbin just follows and hums it with him. When he swallows, he leans over and presses a kiss to a place underneath his ear and whispers a thanks, to which Changbin just nods.

The elder has been much more affectionate lately. He hugs him from the back as they wait for the bus and holds his hand during the ride. Old things emerge from their relationship that Changbin had forgotten had ever happened. He plants kisses on random places on his face like his nose, his forehead, and his jawline. Recently it’s been his neck when he isn’t wearing a turtleneck and shoulder when he’s wearing tank tops. He doesn’t particularly mind; it’s just an odd change in behavior. However, with these newly incorporated actions, everyone thinks that they’re dating. No matter how much clarification is tried to be made, nothing is working. It’s totally bizarre. Even during meetings he notices that there is an influx of skinship with him and no one else.

Moments later, Felix pulls up next to him and points to the food in the hand that is not holding hands with Chan. There’s something odd about his expression that he can’t really put his finger on. He lets go of the elder’s hand and takes out one of the radish cakes and puts it in front of Felix’s face, to which he leans over and takes it between his teeth. He bends his head back, opens his mouth so that the food can drop into his mouth, and then chews a few times before finally swallowing. That bright smile appears on his face as he links their arms and skips forward and pulls him away from Chan. The two of them discuss finals and just how proud they are of each other.

“What made you want to dye your hair this shade?” he asks at some point as he holds a few strands in his hair.

“I wanted to stand out on stage.” Changbin rolls his eyes.

“You already do with that deep voice of yours and that natural charisma. I find it hard to keep my eyes off of you during performances.”

He watches in awe as Felix’s cheeks redden and decides in that moment that he wants to cause that kind of reaction again.

“Thanks. I could say the same about you, you know.”

“What are you going on about?”

“I don’t know, just the fact that you have to probably be one of the best rappers to ever exist in this generation of hip hop? You have such a good flow and you can sing and dance well-”

Before Felix can go any further, Changbin hits his arm. This in turn makes the blonde grab the rest of the bag of food and pour its contents into his mouth. His cheeks puff up like chipmunks and Changbin melts internally. He looks over and sees that there’s still food in it.

“Are you going to hand that back to me?” he asks. The younger shakes his head. Changbin grabs his hand out in order to try to take it, but Felix is faster. Soon enough, he runs off, forcing him to follow him into the streets. He finally catches him as they run over a bridge. The rest of the group has seemingly seperated and it’s just the two of them looking out into the river.

They’re laughing so joyously. At some point Felix sits down, causing Changbin to follow. Felix allows his head to fall onto his shoulder and he fiddles with his fingers. As they sit in silence, he can feel the atmosphere darken. Changbin moves his hand out and tilt’s the younger’s face towards him. He sweeps a stray lock of his white blonde hair before asking him what’s wrong.

“I think I’m going to break up with her.”

Both joy and sadness appear in Changbin’s mind. He shouldn’t be happy. In an act of comfort, he laces their hands together, but for some reason Felix doesn’t completely return the action. He stares at the fingers that aren’t cradling his hand in return.

“Are you okay?”

A bitter laugh sounds through the quiet air. “Kind of.”

“When are you going to do it?”

“When I see her when I go home.”

“So sometime next week?”

He hums in agreement.

“Fading emotions are normal,” he states, “Look at how it ended up with me and Chan. Everyone thought that we were meant to be together forever, as I am sure you thought it would be with you and your girlfriend.” The younger lets out a small whine of despair, causing Changbin to just rub his back gently. “It’s okay. I promise. And if you need the support, I’ll be there.”

Since his and Chan’s families are incredibly close, they find each other just going over to each other’s homes over breaks since their parents were practically their own parents. Upon hearing this, the younger visibly brightens and tackles Changbin down so that his figure hovers over him. In this proximity, he can see the younger’s freckles and he allows himself to brush them, causing the younger to lean into the touch.

He’s too pretty for his existence.

Afraid that the younger’s arms will tire out, he tells him to sit up. Then, he remembers a way Chan used to comfort him when he was sad. Changbin gets up behind the younger and allows him to sit between his legs, and then wraps his arms around him, resting his chin on his shoulder. He’s happy when the younger relaxes into him. His feet barely go past the landing of the bridge and hang over the water. He lets the two of them stay in that position for a while before Changbin begins to complain about the younger’s weight distribution on his body. Because he’s weak for the boy, he finds himself carrying Felix back to the group. When he meets eyes with Chan, he sees something similar to the weird glint in Felix’s eyes from earlier, and honestly, he has no idea what it means.

* * *

**late revelations  
** He and Jisung are sitting in silence, Jisung on his phone while Changbin working on his spring performance song. It’s a love song, obviously enough a culmination of what he feels for Felix. There’s a series of thoughts that had gone through his head at the time and always go through his head as he writes: He’s so screwed. Too screwed. Maybe Felix does like him. He wants to think that, but getting his hopes up is never good.

At some point Jisung peaks over at the lyrics and looks at him very curiously.

“Is this about Felix or Chan?”

His head tilted in confusion. “Chan? Why would I write about him?”

A mischievous smile appears on the younger’s face. “A couple things. You didn’t deny the Felix part, which is development in my mind. Second of all, you’re oblivious.”

“Excuse me?”

“You know how he’s been super intimate with you lately?” Changbin agrees with a nod. “Is it familiar to you in any kind of way?”

He ponders it for a moment. “Now that you mention it, it is reminiscent of when we were dating.” As Jisung stares at him in a knowing way, Changbin blurts, “We aren’t dating.”

The other boy cracks a smile and then shakes him in exasperation. “That isn’t what I mean. Aren’t the actions he’s doing just more intimate than just what too super clingy friends would do?”

Changbin shrugs. He knows nothing different. Since he never drew any major lines with his and Chan’s dating life, it’s hard for him to tell the difference between what is normal in a friendship and what is normal in a relationship. Sure, movies could have been references as well as song lyrics, but those were never particularly the genres that he watched and listened to, essentially leaving him with no real reference.

Jisung releases another sigh. “He’s asserting dominance. Almost a marking of his own territory.”

“What. That makes absolutely no sense. There’s no reason for him to do something like that. We aren’t dating. Plus, he likes someone else.”

A flash of what seems to be pity appears in Jisung’s eyes. “Do I actually have to tell you?”

Changbin nods. “I am oblivious to these things.”

Jisung looks like he is readying himself. “Chan has been playing it off as if he’s liked Woojin all this time so he can easily deny the fact that these emotions aren’t for you and because the two of you did date once but that failed. But being with you guys for these past few years and observing how he’s changed, I honestly think he never lost feelings for you.”

Changbin stops what he’s doing. Jisung nods, emphasizing the words he just said. He lets the newfound knowledge broil in his head. Then the logic appears.

“Impossible. He was the one that broke up with me.”

“He’s a dumb person. You and I both know this. It was the hormones that got to him first, but as he matured he realized that you were the one that he actually wanted to be with because you are a genuinely good person. He adores the proximity that the two of you have. But now that there’s someone else that could take his place he’s been trying to assert himself more, but that also came with the price of making his feelings more obvious.

“Who’s competition for him?” He thinks about it. There’s only one person. “Felix? What?”

“You like him. He doesn’t like that. He wants you to be his and all of these actions are kind of means by which he can project that no one should try to do anything.”

“Sure, that makes sense but I hope he realizes that Felix isn’t a threat.”

That comment earned a hearty laugh from Jisung. “He isn’t a threat? That boy has your heart in his hands and vice versa.”

“He’s still in a relationship, Jisung.”

“He likes someone else,” the other explained.

“I know,” Changbin admitted, to which Jisung’s expression turned into something slightly surprised.

“How do you know?”

“He told me.”

An all knowing smile appears on his face. “Well then. Let me enlighten you for a moment. Most of the time, when someone tells someone else that they like someone, that other person is the person that they like. Now, I am 99.99% sure that person is you.”

A spark of hope appeared in his chest.

“Why can’t it be you if he told you that he liked someone else to you too?” Changbin asks.

“Because he doesn’t look at me with that much adoration and love. You’re blind!”

“I don’t think so. The boy wouldn’t even hold my hand properly. Barely the proper tangle of fingers.”

“Weird. But go for it.”

“Did you not hear what I just said?”

Jisung just laughs, causing Changbin to hit him repeatedly on the legs in a sad attempt to shut him up. Eventually, the two of them fall back into silence.

He lays down on the hardwood floor and stares mindlessly at the ceiling. He feels himself stuck in a moment of confusion and ultimately denial. Chan is Chan, his best friend, and honestly nothing more. Probably. Changbin has no idea what a relationship in itself should actually be. Maybe it was the fact that Changbin never really felt anything after they had “broken up” that was such a clear sign that they were never meant to date. He had never fostered proper feelings for the other in the first place. But then again, were those feelings just the sense of comfort he felt mixed with how much he cared for the elder?  
He has no idea and honestly it’s throwing him into a tailspin.

As for Felix, Changbin actively feels this sense of comfort and thinks that he constantly wants the other in his proximity which is something so new to him. He no longer freezes slightly at the younger’s touch and is able to sink into his embrace quite easily. Felix is beautiful and mesmerizing in the way he laughs, the way he talks, how he raps, and especially how he dances. The most beautiful think about him isn’t his attractive face or body, but the aura of joy and happiness that he gives off almost everywhere he goes. That twinge of childishness just makes him that much more endearing and makes him care so much about him. As a result, he feels obligated to watch over the younger and try to make sure he’s happy all the time. In moments that he does fall subject to sadness, he wants to be by his side and comfort him. He doesn’t have to think around Felix. He just has to do.

His existence has now pitted them against each other in a fight to see who could get the guy. It’s so weird for Changbin to think that he is the person they want.

The thought of Chan actually liking him is imprinted in his mind. It makes sense as he inputs and underlying meaning to all of the actions that he has done. He decides to go through and try to understand the real meaning behind all of their actions. Changbin studies goes into his room and pulls out his laptop. He watches some scenes from dramas in order to watch/understand what all of the actions he witnessed could mean. At some point, there is a scene where a male friend of the female protagonist shows up and hugs her, and an expression very familiar to Changbin appears on the face of the male love interest. It isn’t until he voices his opinions and actively voices his concern about how close the two of them are that he realizes that it’s a look of jealousy.

Once all of his research is deemed done, Changbin finds himself wallowing and not being able to full comprehend how he was unable to see all of these patterns. The drama plays next to him and he watches as the couple kisses. Jisung knocks on the door some time later and motions for him to get up.  
They’re going to the airport.

All of Stray Kids are there to send off their Australian members and Changbin as they fly back to Australia. Jisung pulls him aside and they stare each other, expressing determination and agreement of what should be done (even though that doesn’t necessarily mean anything will be done about it, knowing Changbin). After saying their goodbyes, they walk into security and endure its long nearly endless line. Since they are in public, neither of his counterparts dare to do anything that could be considered too scandalous. Changbin has his hands in the pocket of his sweatshirt, which is soon accompanied by another hand. Since it’s from his right, he knows instantly that it’s Chan. Instinctively, his fingers intertwine with the elder’s. His head turns towards Felix who just has his headphones on and is seemingly staring out into space.

After they all board the plane and he gets drowsy and he feels himself laying down onto Chan’s shoulder. Felix is elsewhere on the plane since they had booked flights separately. His eyelids droop down and he props his legs over the empty space of the unoccupied seat and into the walkway.Some time later, which he can’t tell, he finds himself being shaken awake by Chan. They have landed and he had slept for the entire duration of the flight. Chan dotes on him like he is a child, playing with the details of his clothes, combing his hair out with this fingers and finally placing his hat back on his head. When they get off of the plane together, they are holding hands. Felix, who is waiting for them, stares at them with that glint of jealousy in his eyes.

Felix pulls a smile onto his face that doesn’t look quite right and walks over to them. He takes Changbin’s free hand into his own and follows them. Once they reach the street area, Chan calls upon an Uber to take them back to their place while Felix walks over to his family. While they are waiting for their ride, Chan approaches the younger and his family, motioning Changbin to follow.

The elder talks animatedly about Felix in English, leaving Changbin to stand somewhat awkwardly next to Chan. He is relieved when his parents begin to address him in Korean. He tells them about their son’s skills in rapping and dancing and how great of an addition he has been to their team. They shake hands and separate from each other when the car arrives.

After throwing their things into the trunk, the two of them slide into the back. At two in the morning, traffic is light, and soon enough they are pulling up to a familiar driveway. When Chan opens the front door, everything seems very still until his mother’s head pops out of the kitchen and she yells for her husband to come down. It causes a smile to grow on Chan’s face. He drops his stuff at the door and runs in to embrace his mother and then his father. Changbin watches the endearing scene from the doorway.  
He makes sure to close the door and put his stuff down much more nicely than Chan before greeting them. They smile and go off in rapid Korean asking how they are and what they have been up to, especially with the music. The two of them scarf down the food on the table not so calmly before excusing themselves to shower.

Changbin goes first. As the water begins to run down on his head, the thoughts are thrown into it too, especially of Chan. He doesn’t want to make Chan sad or disappointed with how he feels, but he knows as soon as he can tell him, the better and easier the recovery phase will be. The way he cares about Chan is the way brothers would feel about each other. Their closeness came out of their inherent differences and clashes with the traditional image of men in Korea and grew into what they had now. For Chan, it may be something beyond platonic, but it stays there for Changbin.

He turns the water off and get out of the shower. As he gets dressed, his eyes meet his own in the mirror, and he just stares. One part of him denies that him little old him, is stuck in some weird love triangle between his best friend and one of the prettiest boys in existence. Changbin walks out of the bathroom and falls face first onto the bed.

Chan finds him like that, draped over his bed, the light of the crack in the door bright on his face. Through his squinted eyes, Changbin watches the elder roll his body over before joining him in bed.  
The sooner, the better.

“Chan?” He grunts in acknowledgement. “Do you like me?”

“Which way of like?”

“Romantic interest.”

The chuckle that escapes his mouth is not wholehearted and honestly kind of awkward. “I thought I had been making that pretty obvious over the past few weeks.”

“Okay.” He has the confirmation he needs. He faces the elder and there is a long period of staring before Chan breaks the silence.

“I- I just love you so much,” he says in a whisper, brushing his fingers through Changbin’s bangs.

“I think I do too,” he replies. He places his hand over the elder’s. “Just not in the way you want me to love you. I don’t think I can see you like that. I don’t think I ever changed how I saw you even when we were dating; the actions were what changed. Sure that can be good for a good amount of cases, that not changing of an atmosphere, but I think for me, I feel like it would disrupt who we are and our dynamic. I think I am ideal for whatever we have, just doing the comforting physical affection without the feelings attached.”

“We almost sound like a friends with benefit thing just with purer benefits,” He says jokingly.

“Is that how we could work? Just being us and with our physical affections?” Changbin asks hopefully  
Chan sighs. “Maybe we could, but I don’t think immediately.”

A bubble of anxiety appears in his chest for a moment when he asks, “Why?”

“So, I might distance myself from you for a while in order to try to shake these feelings off-”

“Don’t do that. Feelings do fade, Chan. It’s okay.”

“But doing all of the affection doesn’t really help. It’s like we are dating but really aren’t. I might have been lying to myself for a while in order to fulfill what I think.”

Changbin pauses for a moment and feels himself mentally deflate. This kind of change was exactly the thing that he wanted to avoid. The way Chan looks at him makes him realize that the other is also saddened by what he has said, but takes it as a necessary course of action.

“If you think that’s what should happen, then it’s okay. I understand.” (he really doesn’t)

“By the way,” Chan adds, “I don’t totally hate your choice in men.”

He turns back around and slides his back to be against the his chest. Chan’s arm loops around him. He thinks the grip is tighter than it normally is.

* * *

**final confessions**  
Chan isn’t as distant as Changbin had anticipated him to be. It isn’t like he intentionally walks out of a room when Changbin walks into it. It’s more like they’re still them, just with significantly less touching between the two of them. Any touching that goes on between the two of them is limited to just random high fives. There are no more holding hands, or sneaking into beds, or random cuddle sessions.

Changbin is initially disappointed, but eventually normalizes with it. Out of habit, he still peeks into the elders room to make sure that he sleeps at a timely manner, guilt tripping him with his own consciousness.

In his free time, he writes songs with Chan or watches some television with him, barely understanding what’s happening on the television, or texting Felix. That has probably been the weirdest thing for Changbin: the distance from Felix. He wants to see the younger or know of his nearby presence. In Korea, they could hang out all the time, but with Felix being with his family, and Changbin not wanting to intrude on this time, there was no time for them to hang out.

It made him actually kind of sad. That was until Felix offers to take him on a tour of Sydney. When Changbin mentions such a thing has already been done, the younger says that it’ll be different, and Changbin is sold.

Right now, it’s the day before their outing and Changbin is quite giddy. Chan is out with a couple of his friends. It leaves him at home just to work on lyrics. That mood is immediately dampened when he receives a text from Felix.

  
**_floofer_**  
_shitshitshit_  
_i don’t think that i can do it_  
_hoooooly shit_

 **_changbin(nie)_ **  
_break up with her?  
_

He doesn’t actually answer him and just continues to ramble, making it evident that Changbin is right with his initial assumption.

 **_floofer_ **  
_i’ve never done anything like this before._  
_I don’t want there to be any bad tensions or anything._  
_I don’t do well with tension_  
_I’m going to feel soooooo bad afterwards too._  
_I think she still likes me(?)_  
_It’s so hard to tell at this point._  
_What if I still like her and this is a huge regret that i’ll have later in life?_  
_WHAT IF SHE CRIES??? I CAN’T HANDLE THAT._  
_Maybe the guilt isn’t worth all of that suffering_

Thus, cue Changbin’s logic.

 **_changbin(nie)_ **  
_You’re going to have to calm down first._  
_There’s too many things going on in your mind._  
_We’ve talked about this before. I honestly don’t think you like her anymore. There would probably be this willingness to continue on with the relationship, and sometimes it does look like you’re just trudging through. Sure, there is some effort needed to be put into maintaining a relationship, but a good amount of it is instinctual. The effort being put into your relationship is nowhere as equal as it could be. You’re getting tired out from all of these unappreciated efforts, and if you explain that to her, than you should be fine._  
_Don’t be too worried about being selfish or hurting her. It’s inevitable._

He can’t help but think back at his and Chan’s last conversation.

  
_**changbin(nie)**_  
_If you want to continue being friends, she may come back around but don’t expect things to happen so quickly._  
_Things will go back to how they should be._  
_It isn’t like you can change it after the fact._  
_You know i’ll be here to support you if you need it._

_**floofer**  
but like i’m soooooo nervous right now_

_**changbin(nie)** _  
_Do something to normalize yourself._  
_Memes or something._

_**floofer**  
do you want me to scroll through memes as i break up with her?_

_**changbin(nie)** _  
_No. I meant beforehand if you feel so anxious, like now, calm yourself with memes._

The other side seems to go silent, with no thought bubble indicating anything more is going to be said. He keeps his phone open just in case. Then there’s radio silence for a while. Being the person he is and having no experience in these kinds of situations, he finds himself just deciding to leave his phone off to the side and wait for the younger to talk to him when he feels the need to.

The song is almost done. He pulls out his laptop and headphones, pulling them over his head and opening a window so that he can listen to the beat that he’s produced. He allows himself to tap his fingers to the beat, letting the words just flow out of his mouth. The style is very much more like When You Love Someone, and honestly it feels like a breath of fresh air in comparison to the shorter and angrier projects that he has done before. While his typical rap songs can typically be done in a matter of days with the help of some editing by the rest of the 3racha members. He would’ve written the track to match with something that Chan had already produced, eliminating that trouble for himself.

As time elapsed, he found some joy in making tracks. The process was incredibly long, months upon months, but it was a nice experience. He enjoys just listening to the different patterns of the songs and trying to form something so cohesive. In addition he isn’t necessarily the most poetic person in existence which is why he gets advice from Jisung and Chan.

Reviewing the lyrics, he realizes what he has to do (at some point): confess to him. However, he doesn't mind just living with the emotions. It’s okay. He’s kind of gotten used to them. At least he’ll still be able to be close to the boy. So instead of considering the situation at hand, he finds his fingers returning to the computer in front of him and mixing a layer here and there so the song won’t seem to messy.

He doesn’t remember falling asleep. He just finds himself tucked into the bed, his laptop securely charging on the desk with his headphones resting on top of the closed device.

Chan.

The led clock on the night table next to his head shows that it’s almost nine. He still has an hour before Felix said he would meet up with him at Chan’s house. He gets up and stretches, silently padding into the kitchen where Chan is sitting at the island. The two of them high five briefly before Changbin starts to pull out things to make his sandwich.

“Thanks for last night,” Changbin says as he sprinkles the shredded cheese onto the bread.

“No problem,” comes a quiet answer. Their now usual silence is soon accompanied by the butter on the saucepan as well as the sandwich. As soon as it’s finished cooking, Changbin takes a seat across from Chan.

“You’re obviously uncomfortable.”

“I can’t act like this when we get back to Korea,” he replies, “It’d just mess up the dynamic of the group.”

“We are communicating now,” Changbin points out.

The elder sighs, “But there is this obvious atmosphere of tension. It’ll be awkward for everyone.”

The silence hangs between them again.

“Then what do we do?” he asks.

“We’ll act like nothing happened,” Chan explains, “I mean they’ll eventually figure it out so it’ll be okay.”

“You’re going to tell Jisung first?”

He grunts in agreement.

“I really do hate whatever this is. The fact that we can’t be who we were before,” Changbin says, surprising himself. He thought he was okay with the situation; his mind thought differently.

“Time, Bin, We just need time.” The look on his best friend’s face makes him want to stay. “I swear to god. If you stay with me, you’re probably not going to help me. Don’t look so surprised. I know you well. And I also know that you have an outing with Felix in about half an hour.”

“How do you know that?”

“Who do you think?”

“Jisung.”

Chan just nods. He shoves the other half of the sandwich into Changbin’s hand and pushes him up the stairs. “Now hurry so you aren’t late.”

Changbin awkwardly runs up the stairs and into the guest bathroom. He hopes Chan will be okay.

In a last minute decision he decides on a plain black muscle t-shirt with a red flannel tied around his waist and dependable blank pants. He makes his way down to the first floor and sees Chan and Felix talking. Due to the conversation being all in English, he doesn’t understand what they are talking about but from their expressions and tone, the topic seems to be serious. He’s surprised when his name actually comes up a couple times. He sneaks down the stairs so that he ends up standing behind Chan.

Felix smiles at him in a way that his heart melts just a tad. Chan notices this and turns around, greeting him with a warm smile that Changbin just knows is fake.

“Go have fun,” Chan says, pushing them out of the door and suddenly they are standing on the porch. The blonde looks at Changbin for some type of explanation, to which he shrugs.

He calls up an Uber, dragging the elder in with him.

“How will this trip be different from any other tours that Chan has taken me on?”

“This one is more of a walk around kind of thing where I can show you my favorite places.”

“So it’s pretty much the same, save for some differing opinions on places?”

Bright laughter spills out of Felix’s mouth as he nods enthusiastically.

Changbin gets out of the car, just to be instantly dragged into a bakery. It’s loud and filled to the brim with people. The smell of chocolate hits his nose the instant he walks into it. The area is colored quite nicely with cream colored walls with burgundy accents. Felix is staring longingly at the glass case of pastries. Some person walks past him with a glass cup filled with some chocolate liquid as well as a donut skewered through the straw. His interest is peaked.

“I don’t think you need this much sugar in you,” Changbin comments. “You’re already quite hyper without it. And I feel like by adding this,” he continues, gesturing at the glass case, “You’re just setting yourself on the road for diabetes.”

He releases stupid giggles. They make him look exactly like a child, pure and soft, and Changbin doesn’t know what to do but smile. He decides not to order anything and just enjoy just how happy and pure Felix looks in this setting. He has this bright sparkle in his eye as he scans the room. It must be nice to return to something that you are so familiar with after being in a foreign country for so long.

But he still doesn’t understand the obsession with sugar and how the boy somehow is able to be so fit all while consuming that enormous amount.

Felix finally is able to go up to the counter to order. When he is done, Felix sits in a chair at a table, mitioning for the elder to come closer. The other chair is preoccupied by someone else using their phone, most likely also waiting for his drink.

Changbin is standing in between the younger’s open legs, his hands resting on his thighs.

“I broke up with her yesterday,” the blonde mumbles quietly.

“How’d it go?”

“I mean she didn’t cry which was a plus. I was able to explain all that I wanted to say, especially with how feelings were fading since we were living so far apart from each other and how in my time I had begun to like someone else. She seemed pretty understanding about it, which was cool of her, but honestly I feel kind of bad and I think she’s probably not feeling great either.”

“Isn’t that how things tend to be after a breakup?” Changbin asks to which Felix gives out a light chuckle.

“So,” Changbin fills the quiet that coats the atmosphere, “How about that guy you like?”

Felix’s eyes widen for moment. Many emotions seem to cross his mind, from surprise to confusion to exasperation.

“I like you,” he says a bit loudly. The guy next to them looks up for a moment, shifting his eyes back and forth between the two before shrugging and returning to his phone.

Now it’s Changbin’s turn to pause. “Really? I like you too.”

Felix gives him a smile so wide that it makes Changbin inexplicably happy and causes him to smile just as widely back.

“Okay,” Felix seems to say to himself, “Okay. Good. But wait. I thought you knew.”

“You are the second person to say that to me,” Changbin replies, “Am I really that oblivious?”

Before the other boy can answer, Felix’s name is called. He grabs the drink and goes outside, Changbin in tow.

Felix smiles the same smile from before. “You are that oblivious. But honestly, it’s kind of cute.” He intertwines their hands so that their fingers are completely threaded. It’s a comforting feeling, this actual pressure.

“So where do we go from here?”

The mischief in Felix’s expression tells Changbin that he’s in for a long ride. But he wouldn’t have it any other way.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to all of y'all who stayed through the whole story! please give me feedback on the song and tell me your opinions. EVERYTHING IS APPRECIATED. 
> 
> *throws lurve at readers*
> 
> (tbh a sequel may take a whillleeeeee **:-:** )
> 
> anywaaaaaaaays. thanks again!
> 
>  **tracklist:**  
>  bring it by seventeen: chan and changbin starting the group together  
> got it by the boyz: chan convincing changbin to have faith in him  
> matryoshka by 3racha: the song that changbin wrote with the track chan gave him  
> take me higher by a.c.e.: changbin’s feelings for felix  
> shoot me by day6: changbin taking felix’s denies to heart and eventual acceptance  
> sunset by kim donghan: changbin and felix watching each other perform  
> go by nct dream: everyone performing together as stray kids  
> shine by pentagon: changbin being weak for felix and says dumb things  
> feeling by unb: changbin considering that felix and chan like him  
> overcome by nu’est: changbin’s strong loyalty to felix and support for him  
> monster among men by five seconds of summer: felix’s anxiety while breaking up  
> i just wanna go back ◐ by honne: chan regretting breaking up with changbin  
> 詩; 00:00 by sf9: chan’s perception of changbin when he wakes up earlier  
> i like you by day6: the final confession and changbin’s spring performance song


End file.
